Are you ready to take on the topic of homeschooling a challenging child? Boy, I am! This topic is near and dear to my heart, as you can see by the length of this post, and I hope it can be of some help to you!
This is just one of the posts in our Homeschooling Tips Series.
If you’re homeschooling a challenging child, you may be struggling and feel alone in this journey. I want to let you know that you’re not alone.
Please note: I’m not a professional counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist {although we’ve seen plenty of these} and I do not pretend to take the place of one. If you feel you or your child needs more help, please pray about getting professional help. I regret not doing it sooner in our case!
Tips for Homeschooling a Challenging Child
1. Find out if there could be a learning challenge.
My oldest was extremely defiant and difficult to homeschool. Many days were filled with meltdowns on the floor and screaming {from him}. I treated him as if he was oppositional defiant. But those strategies still didn’t work. They only caused him to be more anxious.
The true source, as we found out in the third grade, was autism, anxiety, and some sensory issues. Yes, his behavior was oppositional, but it stemmed from a different place. When he felt out of control or frustrated, he lacked the skills to advocate appropriately and would spiral quickly. Consequences and logic didn’t help.
If your child has learning differences, such as ADHD or Autism, they often lack basic skills {like social-emotional skills, attention, and executive function skills} to help them feel and be successful.
If you suspect this is the case for your child, I urge to explore it. I recommend these books if you’re teaching kids with learning differences.
Finding that a learning challenge was the true source of my son’s struggle was very freeing for me, and it helped me understand that his behavior was a reflection of his disability, not his character.
2. Incentives may be more helpful than consequences.
In our homeschooling situation, the kids have to earn their afternoon screen time. They do this through having good attitudes while getting their work done.
For a while, we even used physical cards with our rewards card system. I don’t use those now {I probably should}, but I will write down the time they’ve earned so they can see it.
We also have consequences in our home, but here’s the thing: kids who struggling with executive function skills struggle to link their actions to a negative consequence. So adding one consequence on top of another {I was infamous for doing this} to get them to “turn their attitude around” often does the just opposite: it makes them spiral further and further out of control. And this isn’t fun for anyone.
3. Structure and routine often provide the predictability challenging learners need.
Structure and routine can be the love language of your challenging child. Structure and routine provides stability and predictability, cutting down on anxiety. It also helps your kids know what you expect from them.
My mom made a statement years ago that still resonates with me: “Being consistent is one of the most important things you can do as a parent, but it’s also one of the hardest things to do as a parent.”
If you’re struggling with getting a routine going, I encourage you to read our post, Tips for Creating a Homeschool Routine.
4. Don’t be afraid of changing things up.
While structure and routine are a very good thing for our challenging learners, we need to hold those with an open hand. If something isn’t working, don’t be afraid to change it up a bit.
My advice before you jump right into changing things, is to talk with your child about the upcoming change. If your child is old enough, get his/her ideas before making the change. Including your learner in the process helps him/her to have more buy-in and promotes self-control.
5. Provide choice when you can.
Give your learner simple choices so they can make wise decisions in a controlled environment. With my 4th grader last year {who has not been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but there’s no doubt in my mind he has it}, I offered two chapter book ideas that we could use for shared reading. Both were on his reading level, but asking him to choose provided him with the opportunity to make and own his decisions.
6. Outsource what you can.
When you’re homeschooling a challenging child {or any child}, you do not have to teach every single subject. Even though I have an undergrad in music and taught piano lessons for years, someone else teaches piano to my daughter.
You could outsource a core subject like math. My rising 4th grader will be using Teaching Textbooks this coming year.
If you can’t afford outsourcing a full curriculum, trying something like Reading Eggs helps to take something off your plate.
You can choose what you outsource, but find ways to take off just one {or more} of the hats you wear with your child so it frees you up emotionally to wear your parent hat.
7. Find what you like about your child.
I hate to admit it, but I’d be rich if had a nickel for every time I said {or thought}, “I know I love my child. I just don’t like him right now.” It’s hard to love the unlovely. Really hard. I have to ask God for supernatural strength to do it. It does not come naturally.
One thing that can be helpful is to find the positive in your child and focus on that. Maybe (s)he is extremely artistic or creative. Maybe (s)he is really good with doing chores. Maybe (s)he is affectionate and loves to cuddle. If you can’t find a positive, pray about it. Ask your spouse or a close friend who is a little further away that might be able to see clearer.
When you are nearing the end of the rope, sometimes having that positive thing you can hold on to helps you see your child in a different light.
8. It’s wise to get help.
Getting help does not mean you are weak. It means you are wise. When my oldest was in the third grade, the climate in our home reached an all-time low. I was becoming depressed and felt even more isolated. I didn’t know what to do. Friends and my husband encouraged me to go see a counselor. I’ll never regret doing that.
It was that session that lead us to a child psychologist who, after trying some things first, said, “I think we’re dealing with Autism.” The journey has been a long one, but I’m learning every day to see him through a different lens. The diagnosis has also helped me be more compassionate and empathetic towards him and my other kids.
*Disclaimer: I want to be completely transparent and share that while I still homeschool my youngest three kiddos, my oldest son is not homeschooled now. In the fourth grade, he got into a very small, private school near our home that only accepts kids with learning challenges. The teachers there are highly trained to work with kids who struggle with social, emotional, or executive function skills. I was extremely resistant at first, but God moved some huge mountains to get him in, so I have no doubt it’s where he needs to be.
Find all the posts in our Homeschool Series!
Enjoy homeschooling!
~Becky
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